4 AM Thoughts

(DISCLAIMER: This post is a mish-mash of thoughts I had in the obscenely early hours of the morning. I left them as is for posterity. The jumbled confusion that follows is simply the way that my mind wanders.)

Why do we try so hard for people who don't care about us? Why do we leave our comfort zones for people who will never extend us the same courtesy? Why do we care so much what other people think about us? Do any of them really matter in the end?

Why do we stay up late to do things that could just as easily be accomplished during the light of day? Is it because we are ashamed of what we're doing, or is it because we're too motivated to stop? I guess that depends on you and what you're doing during those late night hours.

Why can't I keep up with things that will improve my life? Why can't I consistently remember to eat, or hey, sleep at a normal time for a normal amout? Why can't I open up to people and tell them what I'm really thinking? Is it because I'm afraid to be hurt? Or because I really can handle it like I tell everybody (including myself) that I can. But then again, the people who want me to open up to them - do they really care, or are they just asking because they're supposed to? How am I supposed to tell the difference?

I guess when my boss tells me that he's worried I don't eat he really is concerned... or when he asks where my coat is... but what about everybody else? What about my friends who I turn to when I'm having a breakdown? Do they really care, or are they asking if I'm okay because that's what they're taught they're supposed to do when somebody is like that?

Is 40 MPH in my car faster than 40 MPH for a semi-truck?

Do I actually want to do any of the things I'm doing? Do I want to go back to school, or keep this job, or be friends with these people, or be part of this family, or live in this town? What if I really don't want any of those things, but I just think I do because I don't know any differently... I have a tendency to prolong making decisions so that I can make sure I've seen every option. But I didn't choose to live in this city; what if I'd like Houston better, but I don't know because I've never lived there. Or what if there's people who I'd be better friends with, but I don't know because I haven't found them yet.

What if...

What if I acted on every though that came to mind... I would piss off a lot of people. But I would probably feel better because I wouldn't be holding back so many thoughts and feelings and urges.

How would you describe a jellyfish to a blind person?

Were oranges named first or the fruit? Perhaps they were discovered and named at the same time.

Is the person I pretend to be around my friends really me, or is the real me the one I use in front of my family. Or maybe the real me is the one who shows up when I'm alone. They're all pretty different you know.

I wonder how much I weigh now. Not that I obsess, I'm just wondering if working strange hours, and not eating normally has affected me at all... it definitely has in the emotional sense... and I know that I physically dread going to work every day.

Can you physically dread?

What does it feel like to eat, sleep, and function at times when the rest of the world is doing the same? I wish I could remember.

Even rubber bands are a lie.

That one part of Lady and the Tramp where the cats were singing.

44 is closer to 45 than 46 is to 45.

Why don't you ever sneeze while you're sleeping? Why don't you sneeze underwater?

How many Legos would it take to build a life-size Empire State building and are there that many Legos in the world?

How did the translate languages to other languages?

How do you file taxes?

Cupcakes sound amazing right now.

That part of the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. theme song where everyone claps.

I gotta pocket, gotta pocket full of sunshine.

Is there an animal that doesn't sleep? Besides me.

Do you think bugs do investigations when they find the decimated bodies of their loved ones from when little kids squash them? I'm thinking of all the bug families I destroyed when I was little.

Has there ever been a book written with all the words in it besides the dictionary?

I really want rice...

If we had a day where we had everybody gather together all the people they love, I truly believe the whole world would stand together.










It's not even 4 am...